Friday, October 07, 2005
The Morning After
Don’t you hate it when you go to bed angry and wake up feeling just as pissed off? Once in a while a night of sleep will cause my fury to dissipate and more likely than not, turn into sadness. But when my eyes opened this morning, I immediately sat up, reached for my set of knives and started carving out voodoo dolls with which to torture the people in my life that are driving me up the wall. I haven’t been this angry and hurt in a long time.
I hung out with my friend Kelly last night and for a couple of hours, I felt so much better about the current situations in my life. We laughed and shared stories and it felt so warm and comfortable being with someone that is not only a close friend, but a good one as well. I was nice and buzzed and ran home to watch my favorite Thursday night line up of television shows. I walked in the door to find Paul taking mental notes on Survivor and I immediately jumped into bed with him, happy as a pig in shit.
Within 20 minutes, we got into a full blown argument about my friend Mariah and the night plunged downhill after that. Mariah said some FUCKED UP shit to me the other day and the last thing that I wanted to hear was that Paul agreed with her in any way. While Paul and I have been struggling to maintain a friendship since our break-up (yes, you read that right…break-up), the one thing I could never doubt was my level of trust in him. Then last night, he broke that big time and sent my world spiraling into a pile of horseshit. I grabbed my pillows and blanket and made myself comfortable on the couch, which is where I’ve basically been living for the past week.
Why am I so fucking angry? Why do I keep calling Mariah to get her on the phone to confront these issues? She’s ignoring me to the point of obnoxiousness and even more irritatingly, basking in a level of immaturity that I thought was only reserved for high school students. I really need to let this go. It’s not as though she’s been a source of support to me over the past couple of months, so why the fuck do I care that we’re not speaking?
DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BREATH.
Today is a new day and it’s the weekend. I have plans and I’m seeing people that I care about and that care about me. I REALLY need to put all of this out of my mind and just move forward. It’s total bullshit for me to sit here and to become stunted in my personal growth just because some one that claims they love me can’t stop unintentionally hurting me.
I’m officially laying this entire situation to rest. Feeling like this is just not worth it...for anyone. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt close to Mariah and considering that, it makes no sense for me to allow her to affect me so deeply. If you’re not a part of my life, then why are you a part of my pain? God, I’ve been stupid to get so worked up over all of this.
Next week really need to be a lot less stressful. My therapist’s head is going to explode when I see her on Monday. She’s going to be all “What has happened to you?!?!” And I’m just going to sit there, smoke coming out of my ears. She’ll throw a bucket of water over my head and I’ll finally wake up from this anger induced haze.
Now…time to get a bagel, talk to some friends and get ready for a weekend that couldn’t possibly be worse than this week was.
Don’t you hate it when you go to bed angry and wake up feeling just as pissed off? Once in a while a night of sleep will cause my fury to dissipate and more likely than not, turn into sadness. But when my eyes opened this morning, I immediately sat up, reached for my set of knives and started carving out voodoo dolls with which to torture the people in my life that are driving me up the wall. I haven’t been this angry and hurt in a long time.
I hung out with my friend Kelly last night and for a couple of hours, I felt so much better about the current situations in my life. We laughed and shared stories and it felt so warm and comfortable being with someone that is not only a close friend, but a good one as well. I was nice and buzzed and ran home to watch my favorite Thursday night line up of television shows. I walked in the door to find Paul taking mental notes on Survivor and I immediately jumped into bed with him, happy as a pig in shit.
Within 20 minutes, we got into a full blown argument about my friend Mariah and the night plunged downhill after that. Mariah said some FUCKED UP shit to me the other day and the last thing that I wanted to hear was that Paul agreed with her in any way. While Paul and I have been struggling to maintain a friendship since our break-up (yes, you read that right…break-up), the one thing I could never doubt was my level of trust in him. Then last night, he broke that big time and sent my world spiraling into a pile of horseshit. I grabbed my pillows and blanket and made myself comfortable on the couch, which is where I’ve basically been living for the past week.
Why am I so fucking angry? Why do I keep calling Mariah to get her on the phone to confront these issues? She’s ignoring me to the point of obnoxiousness and even more irritatingly, basking in a level of immaturity that I thought was only reserved for high school students. I really need to let this go. It’s not as though she’s been a source of support to me over the past couple of months, so why the fuck do I care that we’re not speaking?
DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BREATH.
Today is a new day and it’s the weekend. I have plans and I’m seeing people that I care about and that care about me. I REALLY need to put all of this out of my mind and just move forward. It’s total bullshit for me to sit here and to become stunted in my personal growth just because some one that claims they love me can’t stop unintentionally hurting me.
I’m officially laying this entire situation to rest. Feeling like this is just not worth it...for anyone. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt close to Mariah and considering that, it makes no sense for me to allow her to affect me so deeply. If you’re not a part of my life, then why are you a part of my pain? God, I’ve been stupid to get so worked up over all of this.
Next week really need to be a lot less stressful. My therapist’s head is going to explode when I see her on Monday. She’s going to be all “What has happened to you?!?!” And I’m just going to sit there, smoke coming out of my ears. She’ll throw a bucket of water over my head and I’ll finally wake up from this anger induced haze.
Now…time to get a bagel, talk to some friends and get ready for a weekend that couldn’t possibly be worse than this week was.
